I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
