Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
