Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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