Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
