If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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