i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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