The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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