The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
