I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
