You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
