I cockslap morals
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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