i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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