It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
