So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
