When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
