believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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