I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
