On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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