I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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