I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
