You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just googled if crying burns calories
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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