I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
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While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
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I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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