Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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