He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
