woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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