I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
