i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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