can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm bleeding and have questions
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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