Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
