Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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