I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
