I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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