Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
