It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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