she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
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