They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
