did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
