everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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