Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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