this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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