The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
