Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
