I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
