Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
