my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
