Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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