If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
