he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
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should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
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i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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