id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
