The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
