she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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