how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
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