Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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